Confessionary Dialogues with Xiuhtecuhtli

Shouldn't you start by explaining why are you opening this blog, Mariele? After all this time you are randomly opening something like this, unexpected, inexplicable, unimaginable. Is it that suddenly you want to prove yourself that you can still write - non-academic products I mean-; or is it that your ever-present, never-ending, and daily increasing nostalgia is finally finding an emergency exit, a telephone in the elevator, a hidden stairwell, a medium to scape and perhaps, only perhaps, it will never come back... ¿Explicar qué?, ¿con qué proposito y para quién?...  Cut the academic discourse, Mariele, this is not an other essay... Me pasé más de 18 años de mi vida explicando, tratando de hacerme entender, justificandome, buscando una falsa satisfacción a través de mi acreditación; y al pensar que lo tenía que hacer creí que estaba bien y era lo necesario por hacer... See?? You and your nostalgia, Mariele, your best friend for years and the indestructible enemy for many others. Explaining yourself, that's part of your nature, the one that they constructed in you, the one that is necessary to survive. You don't even know why you are doing it, do you? Does it kill you that you can't control it, that you can't "explain" it? How ironic, Mariele, how ironic... Ironía ¡ya va! si esto ni ha empezado, a esto llamarle ironía es llamarle obra maestra a un trabajo recién empezado. 

Ironicamente yo escribía lo non-academic en español, all those amazing feelings with aztec, rather mestizo, sounds and colors that marked my daily life in all those gringo notebooks from many shopping trips. Because there was no word in any language that could let me express what I was feeling  without taking away its non-sense. Y lo académico se escribe en Inglés porque cuál es el término político yo ya no lo sé. Ahora todos esos conceptos de políticas y teorías resuenan en Inglés todos esos que llenan la libretita que le compré al jipi de Coyoacan con el tatuaje de la serpiente en el lado derecho del cuello. The entire world debería hablar Spanglish (¿por qué no se llama espanglés?). "Pero si el español es tu lengua materna" "Yo me sigo impresionando de tu inglés" "At the end of the day we will always be ESL" Bienvenue à Montpellier.

I guess I just needed to start writing again, one friend inspired me, an other support me, tú me empujaste y se que ahí estas leyendome queriendome entender. You will be there, no doubt, decoding my broken imperfect espanglés may Quetzalcoátl help you because I barely understand myself, to be honest I really don't care my thoughts have always been a mess. Mi crisis económica me lleva a no más libretitas gringas ni mas cuadernitos jipis... Yes, Mariele, here you are further explaining yourself...