Please Identify Me as a Happy 'Emo.'

My currency is valued on coffee beans

my kallos is defined on the number of pages I read

your opinion about me is not worth a cocoa leaf

my soul is far away from the place it used to be.

My lips want to move my feet,

my breath wants you to kiss my legs

wearing those red hills.

The idea of buying a last-minute plane ticket

does not longer make me sick.

I said I was going to be part of the equation,

please put your art on the side

and understand my politics of self-preservation.

My happiness is not longer drowned in a glass of rum

I no longer wait in the valet-parking line for a tequila shot,

your jelousy and paranoia can not touch me anymore, 

my emptiness has been fulfilled like never before. 

Let me confess that I've found a different kind of love

one that is here every night and I don't even have to touch.

Please let us cut the bullshit, let us not keep on waiting,

leave me alone with my rhetoric so you can go back to your painting.

I've found a family that I can trust,

for the first time I don't feel alone

I'm not longer hunted by an incoherent normative judge,

I don't longer hide behind my books,

my friends could care less about my bizarre looks.

We share what they would call intenseness

but with them I'm not afraid of being myself

we are so passionate and they so careless

I feel so full of life that there is no space for emptiness

for they are so intelligent that I'm never bored,

excuse me, my intention has never been rhyming all along.

My doubts are forever gone,

I found in an address-less space

a place that I can call home.

I'm sorry if I'm hurting you

that was by no means my intention, 

but time has passed, and as opposed to many I had no 

plans to wake up and finding myself in the old routine,

friday after friday, night after night. 

I can't pretend that we are still in 2005 .

I was tired of that fake and shallow life.

The only reason I'm thankful of Frosh Week,

was the colonizer effect you had on me.

Por favor sigueme inspirando al escribir

tu apoyo hasta ahora es lo que me permitido seguir.

Je sais pas si c'est a cause de la caféine 

mais tu es vraiment devenu mon meillieure amie.

Ese cigarro cambió para siempre mi vida 

ahora esta llena de pastries, spanglish y es híbrida,

no me importa si nuestros planes nunca se realizan 

al menos por ahora son esos sueños los que me reaniman. 

This has been so hard, but now it is paying back

Don't take it personal; my love will always be there

it is just that at least for today I can say that I have found

what I was looking for when I left, a place far from you 

where I could actually be happy while being myself.

Le petit café

I said that the next time I would choose my battles better.

they have been choosing me for quite long, 

'Underneath all these layers of cloths,

when you take away the heavy armor,

there is nothing...

just nothing that resists an insignificant walk in the cold.'

You told me that and I believed you 

for why would you lie? For why would you make me cry?

I was already crying that night I didn't want to say goodbye,

Je ne veux pas dire au revoir. 

y ya no querré despedirme nunca más. 

I took my passport and my suitcase and looked straight down to the floor, 

No me bajes la mirada Mariele, 

I'm confused whether or not I wanted to know,

¡Pídeme que te siga!, Don't you dare to ask me to stay!,

you will be frozen by the first step,

 and I'm the one who is ready to melt.

yo te prometí un palacio de arena, jamás un iglú para una princesa. 

Prochain train à Montpellier... that's my train... pas de tout ca c'était hier. 

You looked at me, knowing that I knew you were right

our time had passed, long ago our marvelous summer had indeed died.

it was then while we were sitting just en face de la gare, 

¿significa que me vas a dejar de escribir? Quizas.

Un café et un café au lait SVP, I think we should not talk,

we can try to do what everyone does, pretend we never met,

lets pretend there was no need for an end, Nos deberíamos casar,

I mean I'm definitely going to start seeing someone, 

Tu es vraiment une Néo-Canadienne quois? nos deberíamos casar,

I gave up so much already, there's no way I'm getting married!

I left once, I'm getting out of this encore une fois, 

It is not like I ran out of love, I guess I just needed something more,

¿qué va a pasar?, ¿qué vamos a hacer Mariele?

we, we, we, how about me, me, me? 

I don't speak in plural, you know I haven't ever since. 

Then there is no point, it is better for me just to go, 

I will walk back without you, like I did three years ago. 

The night is falling upon us,

 and we are still here struggling for invisible soft power, 

fighting an already-settled dispute, 

looking for a criminal using a law that we can not enforce,

Coffee, after coffee, laugh, tear, tear, laugh,

 l'amour, l'hostilité, un beso y  tres odios. 

Why are we still here? Can't any of us just leave? 

We can't undo what is already done, 

we can't go back to where we used to belong. 

¿quieres ir a un bar después de que pongas la maleta en el hotel?

Lets get room service and stay there, otra noche más para que me veas dormir,

bajo amenaza de ser la última, de tomar la maleta empacada e irme, llegar a la Promenade des Anlaglais y darme cuenta que no soy yo la que debe partir, subirnos al tram y llevarte casi de la mano a la gare. Un último café para no irme con nosotros mal, para no tener solo lo malo que recordar. Un último café para hablar, notre dernier recontre à le petit café en face de la gare.

Eh bon ca fait... 5 cafés et 6 cafés au lait 15 euro SVP.

Confessionary Dialogues with Xiuhtecuhtli

Shouldn't you start by explaining why are you opening this blog, Mariele? After all this time you are randomly opening something like this, unexpected, inexplicable, unimaginable. Is it that suddenly you want to prove yourself that you can still write - non-academic products I mean-; or is it that your ever-present, never-ending, and daily increasing nostalgia is finally finding an emergency exit, a telephone in the elevator, a hidden stairwell, a medium to scape and perhaps, only perhaps, it will never come back... ¿Explicar qué?, ¿con qué proposito y para quién?...  Cut the academic discourse, Mariele, this is not an other essay... Me pasé más de 18 años de mi vida explicando, tratando de hacerme entender, justificandome, buscando una falsa satisfacción a través de mi acreditación; y al pensar que lo tenía que hacer creí que estaba bien y era lo necesario por hacer... See?? You and your nostalgia, Mariele, your best friend for years and the indestructible enemy for many others. Explaining yourself, that's part of your nature, the one that they constructed in you, the one that is necessary to survive. You don't even know why you are doing it, do you? Does it kill you that you can't control it, that you can't "explain" it? How ironic, Mariele, how ironic... Ironía ¡ya va! si esto ni ha empezado, a esto llamarle ironía es llamarle obra maestra a un trabajo recién empezado. 

Ironicamente yo escribía lo non-academic en español, all those amazing feelings with aztec, rather mestizo, sounds and colors that marked my daily life in all those gringo notebooks from many shopping trips. Because there was no word in any language that could let me express what I was feeling  without taking away its non-sense. Y lo académico se escribe en Inglés porque cuál es el término político yo ya no lo sé. Ahora todos esos conceptos de políticas y teorías resuenan en Inglés todos esos que llenan la libretita que le compré al jipi de Coyoacan con el tatuaje de la serpiente en el lado derecho del cuello. The entire world debería hablar Spanglish (¿por qué no se llama espanglés?). "Pero si el español es tu lengua materna" "Yo me sigo impresionando de tu inglés" "At the end of the day we will always be ESL" Bienvenue à Montpellier.

I guess I just needed to start writing again, one friend inspired me, an other support me, tú me empujaste y se que ahí estas leyendome queriendome entender. You will be there, no doubt, decoding my broken imperfect espanglés may Quetzalcoátl help you because I barely understand myself, to be honest I really don't care my thoughts have always been a mess. Mi crisis económica me lleva a no más libretitas gringas ni mas cuadernitos jipis... Yes, Mariele, here you are further explaining yourself...