Irrelevant...

...and now I cry... took me fucking 6 weeks.

...and now I cry... in front of a total stranger, 

time went by while I kept on going

verbal diarrhoea or endless music?

how the fuck would I know?

My hearth is not longer broken nor ripped its just static

I became what I did not want to, what I promised you I will never be

I am on the floor, please do not show up randomly

I broke my promise, I AM INDIFERENT.

I imagined it in so many ways, so much different; 

I need you so much and I've been trying to find you for so long

in the process of finding you I've lost myself on the way

waking up in unscented beds, 

no clothes, no smile, no pleasure, no love,

no hate, no regret, no shame, not a single feeling.

You told me I should be excited, 

I told you I was, I lied, 

she said what you used to say "I am exceptional"

I was wrong, you lied.

I am not scared because I have no direction,

because my motivation is gone,

because I am too weak to talk

and too arrogant to write about it

who said that it is wrong to be both? 

what the fuck is wrong anyways? I should maybe shut up.

I JUST FEEL LIKE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE

I have so many things to tell you and you are so far away,

what was I thinking when I decided not to stay?

Should I wait another 6 weeks until you see me crying?

should I keep on pretending I am just stressed?

who do I tell about my nightmares, my sleepless nights, my constant body-pain ?

where do I find the strength to concentrate once again?

how can I articulate that I am just looking for a way out?

IT DOESN'T MATTER THIS IS THE LIFE YOU CHOSE

DON'T BE MISLED YOU WERE ALWAYS BY YOURSELF

"we all go through that cut the drama" you will say.... yes, the difference is that when you were dealing with this useless bullshit I was there listening all the random thoughts you had to share.

I hope, next time you are able to explain why you helped to materialize the "all by herself", so please next time when you call at 1am just cut the bs. Are we ok, then?